Adulting is a rather difficult concept to understand, and an even more difficult concept to standardize.
There are a lot of things adulting requires a person to own up to completing after graduating from university. At times, adulting requires completing tasks simultaneously without taking in the beauty of life, which comes with regrets of far too early arrival at a destination. But the most difficult of assignments come with financial penalties match and the even more difficult assignments come with consequences that cannot be avoided no matter how much Donghyuck tries to escape them.
And with the speed time flies, adulting is a skill that becomes even more difficult to master and claim.
In one moment, Donghyuck is 18 years old and is about to unpack his things from the Lee family car to attend his state’s flagship university, and when he blinks at 29 years old, the next moment of life is filled with emails on his phone reminding him to pay his electricity bill on time.
(Donghyuck ends up paying it one day before the bill is due and avoids an overcharge fee.)
((And maybe he’s responsible enough now that Donghyuck finds paying his bills on time a remarkable feat.))
And yet again like any other mundane Tuesday morning underneath the dusty lightbulbs hung over his plain white ceiling, Donghyuck wakes up to the blue flash of his email notification and he looks through all of his missed messages.
Getting hungover at 29 is a completely different feeling than when he was an undergrad at UC Berkeley studying economics.
Back then, Donghyuck could drink three Red Bulls and then pregame without leaving vomit all over the dining common floors—he’s seen plenty of frat bros do this and that seemed sufficient of an experience. But now, just one sip of a cheap beer almost does it for Donghyuck.
And somehow, there’s happiness in knowing that it’s a habit left a vestige along with every party of unknown faces he’s ever danced with.
“I should have asked Mark if he was going to do anything for his birthday,” Donghyuck notes with the smallest tint of regret. He scratches his belly before falling on his bed again, a domino effect of the soft warm comforter he bought just two weeks before; It’s grey. “I guess I’ll have to ask Jaemin what I missed.”
Fully immersed in the new day that’s cool and fresh with the late April showers, Donghyuck finally unlocks his phone.
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It takes Donghyuck 10 whole minutes to muster up the courage to text Mark after seeing so many unanswered messages.
Donghyuck:
Sorry. I have work but I promise to see you soon.
Not drunk this time! Promise!
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With great luck, all Mark wants for his birthday is a private dinner at their local Olive Garden courtesy of Donghyuck’s decently funded debit card. It’s a rather lame birthday plan, but Donghyuck thinks that perhaps being 30 does that to someone. The cheap buttercream cake with the yellow confetti number 3 and 0 candles neatly placed next to each other makes you automatically uncool. Not that Mark has been an entirely cool person all his life considering that he kept a collection of rocks underneath his bed from the time he was 8 and learned all about them through the rock cycle.
(If you asked Renjun, he’d tell you that Donghyuck believed that Mark got those rocks from the time he climbed a ladder up to the waxy yellow moon.)
And with even greater luck, this is a belated birthday party seeing that Mark turned 30 months ago. This knowledge relieves Donghyuck of the burden of turning these lame plans into a spectacular marvel that rivals the beginning of a summer love song. That and the fact that they already hosted Mark’s welcoming party the weekend before with every friend on Facebook they could find.
But when responsibility yields to the blue melody of a hurt heart that’s failed to fully mend itself, cheap beer always makes Donghyuck forget the most important of things.
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Working as an accountant isn’t as fulfilling as Donghyuck would love it to be, but it gets the bills paid and he can afford his place in the Golden State without working overtime and worrying about missing a bill.
A bonus is that he can spoil his family with a yearly trip back to South Korea each summer with the occasional sitting in business class for his parents to enjoy the trip. And a big money saver for Donghyuck is the Aldi around the corner—not that he doesn’t splurge on himself on the rare occasion. He likes spending money on sneakers and he just sent an order for a new BAPE Sta pair he saw posted on Instagram a few weeks back.
(A lot of Donghyuck’s childhood memories are filled with fantasies of becoming a college swimmer seeing he lived in central San Diego, but they are fantasies quickly passed by graduating as the valedictorian at his high school and a waitlist letter becoming an acceptance.)
Donghyuck says goodbye to the front desk secretary, who reminds him to sign his payroll the next day when it’s freshly printed and ready, and he makes his way out, moving forward with the passing time painted on his watch.
Within minutes, Donghyuck finds himself in a local café, taking a seat next to the person he had been looking the least forward to catching up with this very week. Said person has light pink hair that can only be afforded through the career of the lead kindergarten teacher at the local magnet school. And with very high iReady and parent engagement, there’s not an admin in sight that would let him go.
It’s not that Donghyuck hates Jaemin, no it’s not like that at all. Jaemin is one of Donghyuck’s best friends and his current partner in crime in the mundaneness of life. But the thing about Jaemin is that he loves to tell half-truths and truths that make life expose all of Donghyuck’s mistakes to the entire world without a second thought.
“Do you want me to tell you how piss drunk you got yesterday?” Jaemin gives Donghyuck a Cheshire-like grin that almost makes Donghyuck punch his friend. “I do love taking pictures for the memories.”
But Donghyuck decides to cover his face instead of defending his past self, thinking back to all the missed text messages from Mark. “Please don’t tell me that I puked all over Mark’s shoes.”
(It wouldn’t have been the first time Donghyuck ruined Mark’s shoes because of the bitter taste of Heineken. Donghyuck just hoped that the count would have stopped at three incidents back at CAL.)
Jaemin chuckles as he stirs his iced americano with a pink straw that matches his newly dyed hair. “Nah, you haven’t done that since we graduated from CAL. You did something way better this time. I have to admit you outdid yourself here. Even better than the dry machine incident I have to say.”
“Oh my god,” Donghyuck says as he tries to disappear in his seat. It doesn’t work because Jaemin pulls him back into the visible sad reality of his life as a single accountant at a decently sized firm. “Did I puke over his pants?”
“No, no you didn’t. But don’t worry about it too much,” Jaemin waves him off with the biggest smile on his face. “I saved you the embarrassment of having to explain to Mark that you’ve always remembered about your—”
“Don’t go there,” Donghyuck quickly warns. “He doesn’t need to know about that stupid promise we made...”
Jaemin lets out a huge sigh, sinking back in his chair. “You’re very much lucky I love you more than Mark.
“I know. Love you too.”
What a fool Donghyuck is. But he’s Jaemin’s favorite fool and that’s all that matters.
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Because who else would promise his best friend that if they were both single by the time they were 30, they’d get married?
Only Donghyuck would promise Mark that when they were both piss drunk.
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“Hey Hyuck,” Mark comments with a soft smile.
He has the typical ADA look that Peter Scanavino dons on Law & Order SUVs. But without the good tailoring afforded by simply living in the Big Apple and having a large Dick Wolfe production team. And it’s a Peter Scanavino look without the beautiful Kelli Giddish as his co-star. But unlike Peter Scanavino, Mark needs a tailor. Divorce hasn’t done Mark’s fashion choices good. But it’s a huge improvement from the mismatched tracksuits Mark used to wear during his brief stint on the basketball team before he tore his ACL.
“I’ve missed you.”
“How long has it been?” Donghyuck asks, although he already knows the answer very well. The heart never forgets about loss after all. Even if it’s a loss that’s not supposed to exist, to begin with.
It’s been three years since Donghyuck has last seen Mark outside the screen of his phone or laptop—well it’s been three years that the heart insists on committing to memory. But his heart gives in to bad luck as Donghyuck doesn’t remember the day Mark moved back to the Bay. That’s the irony of it all. Donghyuck would give anything in the world to see Mark’s smile crossing the Golden Gate Bridge again.
After Mark’s divorce, it was obvious that Mark needed a break from the Bay area. But with Mark’s great luck, a long stint as a paralegal at a local firm turns into the recommendation letter needed to earn an acceptance at UCI’s prestigious law class with a generous scholarship that doesn’t come with strings attached.
UCI isn’t that far from the Bay, but it’s far enough for Mark to make his life there and start over with the excuse of the nearby LA traffic. It’s certainly large enough to meet new people and become a new person too. The strings that come attached with attending a competitive law school demand Mark spend his summers in Orange County at the district attorney’s office to make himself known. With these hard facts of life, Donghyuck never sees Mark like he does now.
“Do I count the times you’ve been too drunk to remember?” Mark lets out a small chuckle.
“Please don’t remind me,” Donghyuck starts, covering his face. It’s a bad habit of his he had nearly outgrew seeing that you could never get time again. He can feel his cheeks flaring up with embarrassment. “Jaemin’s been telling what a big fool I’ve made of myself. That party was supposed to be all about you and not me being f*cking stupid.”
“If it makes you feel better, it was the best present I’ve gotten in a very long time,” Mark cheekily grins. “And I know that you’ve become a more responsible drunk.”
“I guess vomiting all over your shoes counts as a present?”
“You don’t remember what happened this time?” Mark pries, looking at Donghyuck with eyes that for the first time in years, since he’s known Mark, he can’t find words to describe. But the look passes by so quickly, that Donghyuck can’t analyze it. It must have just been a surprise seeing that Mark doesn’t remark it.
“Should I?” Donghyuck asks, still trying to connect the pieces of Mark’s welcome back party. But it’s all a haze other than remembering Jaemin giving him water.
“It’s been a while since I’ve blacked out like this. Maybe I was too excited to see you again?”
“Maybe?” Mark leans against Donghyuck’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about forgetting though. I’ll just make show you up on your birthday.”
“I’ve missed you,” Donghyuck smiles, eyes looking forward, avoiding Mark’s lingering gaze.
“I’ve missed you more.”
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Donghyuck doesn’t want to know whether he’s accidentally given too much of his heart the night that should have been about Mark finally finding his way back home after so many years of waiting for his heart to mend.
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There’s so much more to Donghyuck’s somberness when Mark comes back into his life like a spring storm.
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But it’s not like Donghyuck’s heart is built out of titanium. That would be the only way he’d find the courage to say what he’s always wanted to do:
That he loves Mark, long before Mark got married.
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Jaemin knows that Donghyuck has been in love with Mark forever and always.
Since their time at UC Berkeley and all the years Mark married his college sweetheart, Donghyuck has never found the courage to let this flame burn out in the quiet dark solitude of his weeping heart.
And despite it all, there’s just enough stupid bravery to let it not burn out its soft yellow luminance.
Mark has never known and he’ll never know how he holds Donghyuck like a small candle flame in the palm of his hands.
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“You’re texting Mark a lot these days,” Renjun comments through Donghyuck’s overpriced MacBook screen.
“How’s Beijing?”
“Can you stop changing the subject?” Jeno interrupts Donghyuck’s random blabbering. “We can see you texting him.”
“How?”
“See you just admitted it,” Jeno points out with great triumph at Donghyuck’s indirect admission. “You haven’t gotten over Mark over all of these years.”
“If you’ve forgotten, Mark got married,” Donghyuck states, changing the settings on his MacBook.
“And he got divorced,” Renjun adds in Jeno’s defense. “He’s been divorced for quite a while Donghyuck. Don’t you think he’s ready to move on by now? Maybe he’s back in town to start all over and find love again?” Renjun raises an eyebrow, which causes Donghyuck to blow his bangs in frustration that his friends believe he has a chance at dating Mark.
“Renjun’s right. Lawyers are the first people to get married,” Jeno joins in. “At least the big law ones. How else are they going to keep themselves sane? Rollisi finally got together when Carisi replaced Stone.”
“Mark is a district attorney. Like a real junior district attorney,” Donghyuck replies to his friends. “He’s not making big money.”
“Then Mark needs a sugar daddy. Public servants don’t make that much money.” Jeno smiles. “Why don’t you ask him to move in with you? You’re good at cooking. Just cook your way into his heart then.”
“He’s already found an apartment. He likes how close it is to the DA’s office. Only a 30-minute drive with traffic.”
“You made me wake up at the break of dawn just to give me a list of excuses why you haven’t told Mark that you’re still in love with him since you were both in college,” Renjun gently rebukes, although his heart isn’t fully in it.
Renjun’s known for years how long Donghyuck has been fond of Mark and perhaps for an even longer time shortly. And Renjun has always been Donghyuck’s friend more than Mark’s friend. Especially because Renjun stopped liking Mina ever since she locked Mark out of his dorm room the first time they broke up. Renjun has always been the type of person to follow life through logic’s judgment. In Renjun’s eyes, there was no logic to Mark getting back together with Mina and marrying her unless Mark truly believed that he was in love with Mina. For Renjun, love didn’t necessitate public humiliation.
“Aren’t you afraid of Mark finding love somewhere else?”
“How can he know I’m still in love with him if I’ve never told Mark I love him?”
“Oh, Hyuckie,” Renjun softly says before Donghyuck starts ranting about how nothing will ever come out of confessing to Mark for the rest of the call. “What do I need to do to make you happy?”
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Donghyuck has always been a little bit in love with Mark from the moment they met their first year at UC Berkeley.
Donghyuck had originally been an international relations major, and he wanted so badly to become something of a lawyer himself after seeing the original season of Law & Order. He wanted to be an immigration policy lawyer according to his college personal statement.
Or that’s what 18-year-old Donghyuck thinks he should become of himself. He’s a freshman at Berkeley with all of the possibilities in the world at his disposal. He should become a world-renowned leader, at the very least, working as a CFO at a startup company in Silicon Valley like his classmates talk about right before any lecture begins.
But that’s not how it goes. Life just doesn’t work out that way for Donghyuck. He’s a first-generation student on a scholarship with his family depending on him to do well.
In the end after much soul searching and looking through many LinkedIn success story posts, Donghyuck decides to settle for an economics-related major with more accounting classes embedded in the course requirements just to be safe. They say that you can always pursue your dreams when your rent is paid, especially when your bills aren’t overdue. A side job can always become a dream come true.
With that change of heart due to the cost of late-stage modern-day capitalism, Donghyuck decides to take an introductory global studies course to ease the transition out of his major.
Sociology is a subject that Donghyuck’s always been interested in, and he’s read online that the professor runs an easy class if you just skim through the readings. And it should be enough to cast the shadow of a dream he might pursue later in life.
The first day, that’s where Donghyuck’s life brightens up and his heart learns all the faults of falling in love.
There’s a cute boy his year named Mark Lee who takes a seat right next to him and softly beams at him and says, “Hey, what section are you enrolled in?”
The rest, as they say, is history.
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“Have you heard anything from Mina?” Jaemin asks Donghyuck, who simply shrugs at his answer.
They’re at Jaemin’s apartment, passing the hours until they can videocall with Renjun. Renjun had a few hours of free time in between his graduate classes according to the course selection sheet poorly taped on his room wall.
Renjun didn’t particularly specify what time he was free since Beijing traffic dictated his schedule, but Renjun always made sure to show up to their planned video calls. He always made sure to send Google Invites for video calls and chats ahead of time.
But this is a rare occasion that calls for instant ramen and melted cheese on the side. Renjun just got accepted for a fellowship at UC Davis for the upcoming fall term; it calls for a celebration seeing how many hours he’s put into his academic career and how much closer home he is now. Renjun may one day call himself a professor.
“Not since she divorced Mark,” Donghyuck honestly replies, changing the settings on WeChat. Donghyuck takes the time to update his profile picture to a more recent picture of himself. His profile picture originally had been a picture of his master’s graduation at USC but now he figures he needs to fully commit to his new life as an accountant. “Sometimes I see Mina post on Instagram. She’s in Osaka on a graduate student sabbatical.”
Jaemin raises an eyebrow. “You still follow her?”
“We never unfollowed each other,” Donghyuck admits, still changing his profile picture again. It’s now a picture of him at his preschool graduation. “Sometimes Mina DMs me.”
“About what?”
“She wanted to ask about the graduate school admission process. You know with the whole marriage thing; she didn’t go through with grad school.” Donghyuck shrugs again. He finds more interest now in his instant carbonara over his WeChat account profile picture. “She’s at USC now.”
“I thought you wouldn’t talk to her.”
“Why wouldn’t I talk to her? I don’t like Mina,” Donghyuck replies. “She was my friend.”
“But she wasn’t a good friend to you” Jaemin replies, taking a bite of his buldak carbonara ramen. “She knew before she dated Mark that you liked him too. Friends don’t just do that.”
“But Mark liked her too,” Donghyuck points out, pouring cheese over his buldak carbonara. He mixes it with the hot noodles to melt it all over. He finally settles for a mix after having a decent cheese pull hang on his chopsticks. “And I didn’t want to lose them both.”
“You’re too good of a friend to a fault,” Renjun says as he logs into the video call in the background of Jaemin and Donghyuck having instant carbonara. He looks tired seeing Donghyuck the same old person he’s always been; too good of a friend, or rather too good of a fool. “I wish you were more selfish back then.”
“Thank you for agreeing with me,” Jaemin grins at Renjun, who only looks even more tired at their friend’s sad love life.
Both truly believed that Donghyuck would have had a shot if he had only confessed a week before Mina did. But life didn’t go Donghyuck’s way in the end, and it was Mina who dated and married Mark in the end.
“Now can we move on to what we’re going to do for Donghyuck’s birthday?” Jaemin resumes. He moves the volume button on his MacBook to make sure that Renjun is as audible as he can be. “As much as I love talking about his love life, we need to figure out how we can do something other than another WeChat video date as much as I love you, Renjun.”
“Love you too.”
“And we need a game plan for when Renjun moves back. Have you checked how much rent is in Davis yet?”
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It’s just like Jaemin said, Mina always knew that Donghyuck liked Mark since their first year at UC Berkeley. She knew when Donghyuck accidentally whispered it sleeping in the middle of one of the campus libraries.
But in Mina’s defense, it was obvious to everyone but Mark that Donghyuck looked at him with starstruck eyes whenever he spouted nonsense about how life should run and the injustice the world enacted on the youth.
It’s just…it’s just that Donghyuck waited far too long in Mina’s shadow to do anything about the matters of his heart.
Since he was five years old at his state preschool, his teacher would always comment that while Donghyuck was sweet and followed one-multi-step directions well, a concern was how much Donghyuck would wait for others to get their turn. Always too good and patient to realize he was lovely and worthy of being cared for like anyone else.
But Mina Kang had a 4.0 GPA and was a political science major, just like Mark.
Mina was enrolled in the same sociology section as both Donghyuck and Mark, but she was far ahead of them in life. Already in her first year, Mina had plans to do a capstone program in Sacramento to work in a public agency that advocated for children’s rights. She was any person’s college dream girl.
And she was so, so pretty.
It’s not a surprise that Mark and Mina hold hands when they walk into the section three weeks into the fall semester.
"Congrats you two,” Donghyuck remembers telling a blushing Mark, who’s attached to the hip to Mina. Donghyuck sees Mark’s hands sweating from the nerves of holding the hand of someone he very much liked. “I was wondering how long it would take for you guys to get together.”
“I asked her out first,” Mark blushes red in a way that makes Donghyuck’s heart sink. “I took your advice to heart and now…” Mark takes another look at Mina, who blushes too. “I guess we can say I listened well.”
Donghyuck’s smile doesn’t quite meet his eyes, but he still gives one because he just wants Mark to be happy. “I can see that.”
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When they’re 30 and single, Donghyuck and Mark are supposed to get married, buy a house, and adopt a poodle from the local animal shelter—or that’s what piss-drunk Donghyuck proposes when Mark breaks up with Mina for the third time during undergrad.
Despite being strong for three years since their first official breakup, Mina had become anxious that her acceptance to NYU for a research lab would put a strain on her relationship with Mark.
Worries lead to a three-month break and for a brief second, Donghyuck believes that perhaps this is the moment he starts building up the confidence to confess that he’s been in love with Mark for a long time then—well maybe not that just yet. This has been the longest breakup Mark and Mina ever had and there was no sign of Mark getting back together with her. A quick I like you should do enough to quench a newfound confidence in his love life.
It's a confidence built up by Mark giggling and smiling, “Of course I’d marry you Hyuckie. You’re my best friend.”
Mark kisses Donghyuck on his lips and promises to get Donghyuck a pretty ring.
And it’s a confidence that easily breaks when Mark goes down on one knee at graduation, asking Mina in front of everyone with a 0.5-carat diamond ring, “Will you marry me?”
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Donghyuck is weakhearted and always has been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. He doesn’t make it to Mark and Mina’s wedding, but he does make sure to send a nice Keurig coffee maker their way with Renjun’s help—his Amazon Prime account to be exact.
In his senior year of university, Donghyuck is offered a Fulbright scholarship to attend Yonsei University’s economics department.
Originally, Donghyuck applied as a joke and because of his honors program requirement to pursue a research project beyond the required major curriculum; But when he passes through each phase of the application process, Donghyuck is eventually met with an acceptance email and impending career costs and benefits he never imagined for himself.
Donghyuck didn’t pay much attention to the offer at first, his heart stuck on having the chance of dating Mark and maybe having a happily ever after with him. It was stupid of Donghyuck to blow off a once-in-a-lifetime because of a guy who was still hung up on someone else, but Donghyuck’s lovesickness makes him wait almost to the point of making the worst mistake of his life.
He ends up taking his finals early to settle down in his new apartment and a sponsored plane ticket allows Donghyuck to return to the Bay area long enough to attend his commencement and take pictures with his family before sleeping again all by himself.
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A few hours after landing in Seoul and buying food at the convenience store around the corner, Jaemin texts Donghyuck that Mark and Mina “congrats”. Jaemin doesn’t mention Mark’s proposal, but he does make sure to promise to visit Donghyuck soon.
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It takes Donghyuck almost two years to come back to San Francisco and when he does come back, he gets picked up by a UBER driver.
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Back to his wavering present, Donghyuck wakes up seeing the calendar on his wall needing change. It’s a Muji calendar he bought at the beginning of the year as it was on sale at the time.
He rips off April and faces the reality that his 30th birthday is nearing. It’s not like Donghyuck would plan much other than the usual corporate party and hanging out with Jaemin seeing that Renjun won’t come back from Beijing until September and Jeno’s out for UCSD’s finals as a teacher assistant until mid-June. Now that he thinks about it, Donghyuck doesn’t remember the last time that he celebrated his birthday with all his friends in the same place.
Was it his third year at CAL he celebrated his birthday with everyone?
But maybe, Mark can join if he finds the time to join for a small dinner and they could get drinks after. That sounds like a decent idea to Donghyuck, who scrolls through his phone alarms.
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“Do you think I should confess?” Mark asks Donghyuck with puppy eyes.
Donghyuck ponders for a bit as he knows Mark likes Mina. She’s all he ever talks about. How pretty she is. How smart she is. How wonderful she is. And it’s the same for Mina. He’s all she ever talks about. How handsome he is. How wonderful he is. And Donghyuck thinks the same. He loves Mark and he would even go beyond the words wonderful if he were ever asked to share.
Donghyuck loves Mark enough to say, “Go for it. You’ll never know unless you take the first step.”
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When Donghyuck was in undergrad, he was used to having Mark over in his freshman dorm all the time—not that it ever stopped when he started dating Mina.
The academic gods blessed Donghyuck with a corner dorm room on the top floor of his building, which meant that he had extra space to spare.
While Donghyuck stressed about midterms, Mark would help him change the layout of his weekly planner.
Mark always looked splendid underneath the morning light after an overnighter. Splendid enough for Donghyuck to make sure that he would be covered up in an old Snuggie Donghyuck had lying around.
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“You’ve been staring at this photo for the past ten minutes,” Donghyuck whines as he hides the rest of his photobook. A half hour ago, Mark simply stopped by after taking the day off at his DA’s office and now he’s in Donghyuck’s apartment creating unsolicited chaos in the form of finding Donghyuck’s family photo book.
“You look great,” Mark replies with a smile so big that Donghyuck almost wants to smack it off his face. Donghyuck doesn’t though. He doesn’t think the DA’s office would appreciate their new ADA having a black eye during a major case. “I never thought I’d have the honor of seeing you as a cute little Christmas tree.”
“Oh my god, just give it back,” Donghyuck quickly snatches the photograph out of Mark’s hands, who simply laughs in response. “Why would you want to even see these…these?”
“Adorable moments in time?”
“Adorable my ass,” Donghyuck blushes red, and he avoids Mark’s gaze. “How did you even find these?”
“I took a look around,” is Mark’s excuse. “Okay, I wanted to see your graduation photos.”
Donghyuck laughs. He hoped that it would hide the somberness in his voice. “Did you forget that I went to Seoul right before graduation?”
“But you came back just in time for graduation. You were there. I remember that.”
Donghyuck hums before saying, “Renjun has my graduation photos on his phone. I think you were a little too distracted back then to notice I had to take an Uber right after commencement.”
It’s not a good excuse for not having any graduation photos from his undergrad years, but with all that happened, photos seemed like the least of Donghyuck’s worries at the time. Besides, Donghyuck still has his master’s graduation photos at his parent’s house to make up for it. And he likes those photos better. Donghyuck doesn’t have black circles underneath his eyes in those photos.
“Well, you have my undivided attention now,” Mark comments. If there’s hurt in his eyes, Mark makes sure to mask it. “I should have been a better friend to you back then. You were the only one who was worried I was with Mina because I couldn’t see happiness without her.”
“But isn’t that what relationships are supposed to do? To make people happy, right?”
The dying afternoon light hits Mark harshly in a way that reminds Donghyuck that the day is almost over.
Mark sighs next to him before saying, “It’s just…there was just a lot of happiness in one place. It didn’t always mean I was basking in it.”
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When Mark and Mina went through their first breakup, Donghyuck didn’t expect to witness it in real-time.
With housing shortages in the Bay area, it’s not a wonder that Donghyuck ends up living right across Mark in a university-owned dormitory and pays the consequences of late-stage capitalism.
He finds Mark waiting outside his dorm room, walking back and forth.
“Did you get locked out of your room?” Donghyuck asks, worried about how panicked Mark looks.
Mark’s hair is greasy and disheveled and from what Donghyuck remembers, Mark is wearing the same outfit he wore the day before. With a keen eye, a ketchup stain on the sleeve of Mark’s sweater confirms Donghyuck’s suspicion. Mark got that stain after eating a burger with Donghyuck seeing that they wanted to go over the answers to a mandatory economics quiz.
“Yes—no. I mean Mina took my keys when we broke up. I think she mistook them for hers. We have the same keychain.”
“Wait, you broke up with Mina? When?”
“This morning, I think?” Mark pauses in between his hectic pacing. “I can’t remember well. She was upset. Upset about…”
“She was upset about what? Mark, what made her upset enough for her to take your dorm keys?”
“She said I didn’t—just forget it,” Mark says with an erratic rhythm that pains Donghyuck’s heart.
Frankly enough, it didn’t make sense for Mina and Mark to break up this way.
Mark was over the moon over Mina and Mina was so lovely. She always made sure to check on Mark during the midterm season and even made him handmade anniversary cards. She was the perfect poster girlfriend from what Donghyuck knew.
But missing reasons often go without discovery of the truth and Donghyuck doesn’t believe that he’s the right person to go and look for it. His heart is far too attached to Mark to make for a neutral spectator.
Donghyuck ends up offering Mark his place for the night, assuring Mark that he and Mina will make sense of all of this and make up.
Mark seems relieved in Donghyuck’s faith and far too much because he ends up sleep-talking about Mina forgiving him. He doesn’t ever notice how Donghyuck looks at him with eyes that say love isn’t enough to describe them.
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Mina whispers a soft, “Thank you,” when she holds Mark’s hand at a library study session a week later.
Donghyuck smiles at her before saying, “No problem”, as he sees them both leave hand in hand away to dinner.
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A day before Mark and Mina get back together, Donghyuck kisses Mark. Or Donghyuck thinks that he kissed Mark. It’s hard to remember with all the cheap soju he had that night to feel like things could change between him and Mark. Not that it ever happens.
When Donghyuck drinks, he’s clumsy and clingy. He’s not brave. Not at all.
Jeno attempts to take Donghyuck back to his dorm room before getting more drunk, and Jaemin says that on their way back there, Donghyuck found his way inside a drying machine. A house party turned into Jeno’s Babysitting Service within two hours without pay.
“I fit,” Donghyuck giggles and that’s all he remembers saying that night. Jaemin took a picture of Donghyuck’s legs sticking out of the drying machine and he proudly shows it to Mark the next day. The picture becomes Mark’s wallpaper for a good year after Jaemin airdropping it to him.
In between the memories of neon lights and vomiting, Donghyuck reminisces about machine elves and kissing Mark after climbing out of the drying machine and then asking him for a hug to feel better. At the very end of the memory reel, Donghyuck kisses Mark and confides a sweet love.
Donghyuck finds it a bizarre dream because he’d never muster enough courage to even dream of confessing how he feels, nonetheless kissing Mark. And Mark treated him the exact way after the party. There’s not even the slightest hint of awkwardness between them. So, Donghyuck figures that it was simply a mess a dream or two away.
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“You should have told Mark you liked him,” Jeno comments as he watches Mark walk away on a date with Mina at the Broken Yolk across town with a gift bag in his hand with a pained grimace.
Mark mentioned that he and Mina would go to Santa Cruz that weekend seeing that the semester just so they can go on the couple’s trip they’ve always been meaning to embark on since they started dating. Mark would go on and on about traveling to Paris one day and taking a couple’s picture underneath the Eiffel Tower. Getting back together with Mina only increased the possibility of this daydream becoming a reality and Santa Cruz appears to be a practice trial.
Donghyuck scoffs. “Why bother? Mark loves Mina.”
“That’s what you’re inclined to believe,” Jeno replies before sinking with Donghyuck on the couch into a city pop night session to help settle into heartbreak and the wonders of late-stage capitalism that comes boxed with fried chicken and soju bottles.
Lord, give me one more chance
Is this the last one, I wonder?
Lord, give me one more chance
I want to change things somehow
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“Isn’t it possible that he loves you more?”
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After coming back from Santa Cruz, Mark gifts Donghyuck a seashell.
The seashell is the color of sanded gold, and it’s small enough to fit in the palm of Donghyuck’s hands without much effort.
“It reminded me of your eyes when I saw it on the beach,” is what Mark says.
The rest of the night progresses in a way that there’s a mess of chips and red solo cups piling up on the floor and Donghyuck ends up reaching for cheap soda to get rid of the taste of soju.
Donghyuck’s pretty wasted when he starts crying that his seashell got lost underneath Renjun’s couch.
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Mark has come over to Donghyuck’s place quite a bit since moving back into the Bay area; Old habits die hard. Mark’s place is a mess and Donghyuck is the only one willing to tolerate it.
With Renjun and Jeno off in the world and Jaemin creating his kingdom across the Golden Gate Bridge, it’s hard for Mark to integrate himself back into the coziness of the familiarity and nostalgia of his old coming-of-age story and failed romance. After all, Mark’s history with the world has been plagued with failed second chances and one sole miracle.
But this is the first time that Donghyuck sees Mark come with food.
When they were in undergrad together, it had always been Donghyuck feeding Mark with whatever he could conjure up on short notice. Whether it be foolish love or the fact that Mark almost made the microwave of their dorm explode with grilled cheese, Donghyuck made sure that Mark ate well.
(However, it did help that Donghyuck had a generous meal plan and that the dining hall workers found him adorable for saying thank you.)
“You bought fried chicken?” Donghyuck raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t think you’d get me food.”
“You take me for a bum?” Mark smiles as he places the bag of fried chicken in Donghyuck’s living room. He looks triumphant for a man who just lost his first case this week due to a poor legal technicality.
“Actually,” Donghyuck starts, taking a dramatic pause to indulge himself in Mark’s reaction. “Yeah, I kind of do. What kind of ADA wears wrinkled shirts?”
“Junior ADAs don’t make that much money,” Mark laments with faux sorrow, putting his hand over his heart. Donghyuck knows very well like second nature that Mark is proud of how far he’s come at the local district office since graduating from law school. “I saved a couple of dollars at ROSS.”
“I can tell, not that you can’t get a good deal there” Donghyuck grimaces, seeing that Mark didn’t take the bait. But he continues egging Mark on. “Your pants don’t sit well on your ankles. You need a tailor.”
Mark frowns before replying, “You’ve changed.”
“Don’t we all change?” Donghyuck laughs before pinching Mark’s cheeks. “It’s been three years since we’ve hung out like this.”
“Well, I don’t like it.”
“You don’t have to Mark. I have to be the one happy with how I ended up.”
“So, you’re happy turning 30 soon?”
Donghyuck throws a pillow at Mark’s face.
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“Do you have a type?” Mark asks Donghyuck right before the lecture.
Donghyuck blinks. Donghyuck had just asked Mark thirty minutes ago to make sure to save him a seat because his TA had the fabulous idea of assigning a group project last minute. It took Donghyuck a couple of seconds to determine whose phone number he needed to pass his class.
“Type?”
“Yeah,” Mark innocently continues as he takes his notebook out of his black and yellow North Face backpack. “I’ve just never seen you date anyone.”
Donghyuck laughs, slapping Mark’s back. “Not everyone can date the love of their life.”
“So, you don’t have a type then?” Mark says, recovering from Donghyuck’s nervous laughter.
“What’s bringing this on?” Donghyuck raises an eyebrow.
While Donghyuck adored Mark, he was not the type to ask spontaneous questions about those he cared about. It took Mark two whole weeks to ask Donghyuck when his birthday was because he was too embarrassed to say he accidentally deleted it off his Google Calendar.
“There’s a guy in my section that wants your phone number.” Mark turns as red as an apple.
Donghyuck laughs to ease Mark’s embarrassment—and his heartbreak. They say that laughter can replicate harsh sunlight. “He must be my type then.”
“Really?” Mark says with confusion. His face wrinkles before he says, “You haven’t even met him yet."
“Yeah. I’m waiting for a guy to sweep me off my feet,” Donghyuck explains as he tests his pen on the front of his notebook. The pen still works to his delight. “You know like those nice teen movies? I want a guy to propose to me better than any Julia Roberts romcom.”
Mark simply looks at Donghyuck dumbfounded. Then there’s as much quiet that can be afforded by the bustling nature of an overenrolled general education course at a public university. Donghyuck must try to strain his ears to hear Mark’s next question.
“Are you still into that guy you talked about with Renjun?”
“Watermelon boy?”
That’s the codename Renjun had come up for Donghyuck’s crush on Mark. It wasn’t that Mark loved watermelons that much that Renjun came up with such a fruity codename. It was the fact that Donghyuck drunkenly called Mark’s butt a watermelon during a drunk sonnet dedicated to his unrequited crush that led to the codename.
Mark quickly nods, almost more eager than a beagle to hear what’s going to be a poorly worded answer.
Donghyuck turns to the front again now that the professor is saved from any possible embarrassment with his timely entrance. Donghyuck makes a mental note to himself to give his professor a good review on RateMyProfessor.
“Can we just focus on the lecture? I want to get an A and my sad love life isn’t going to help me with that unless you want to give me a brain transplant.”
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Strangely enough, Mark never gives Donghyuck his friend’s phone number.
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Now that it’s officially May, Donghyuck thinks that he should start letting go of his little soju-induced dream.
The 99 Cents store officially closed down due to poor operating profits and Donghyuck doesn’t think he wants to pay for an overpriced birthday banner for a party of three that’s such a strong maybe considering Mark just got assigned half of a former ADA’s caseload the previous week; There’s no way of Mark getting any work done without overtime.
Being the new guy in the building, Mark had no choice but to clean up for his colleagues’ messes and not waste his time on drunken promises to marry your college best friend by the time you both turn 30.
So far, it doesn’t sound like Donghyuck’s 30th birthday is going to be a spectacular event by any means.
All Donghyuck has going for him is the pleasure of Mark’s text promising to spend time together on his birthday. And a birthday cake from Vons that Jaemin promises will make up for Renjun and Jeno’s absence this year.
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When things go wrong for Donghyuck, they truly go wrong in the worst of ways.
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Not even the Vons cake Jaemin planned on redecorating with yellow buttercream sunflowers can help Donghyuck feel better about the stray grey hair he found the other day.
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Wednesday is such a weird day to f*ck up everything about your relationship with your best friend from college.
Especially when you consider said best friend just got their groove back from a divorce.
And especially when you consider that you’ve been in love with said best friend for years long before that.
That’s how sad Donghyuck’s life in the Golden State is.
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Here’s what Donghyuck remembers about having sex with Mark:
Donghyuck was invited over to Mark’s place to see what else Mark needed in his apartment seeing that he barely lived there; This is a fact of life easily validated by any new ADA’s testimony before stepping down to a different job in the private sector. If anything, Donghyuck contemplated getting a second bed in his condo because of how much time Mark spends there after working hours; You’d also find Mark there on public holidays.
(The only thing that makes Donghyuck second guess the choice of ordering a new bed is the fact that once Jaemin finds out, Donghyuck would never hear the end of it.)
Donghyuck remembers the smell of beer making the air smell bitter and Mark complaining about how the DA was on his ass for not taking a case to court based on the little evidence provided by the police department and the biased opinion of a police officer gone rampant due to his retirement coming closer than civic justice. It wasn’t the first time Mark took the fall for a poorly investigated case and Mark didn’t want to do it again.
Or that’s the little Donghyuck remembers as foreplay.
One thing leads to another and Mark leans over to kiss him, making Donghyuck feel dizzy with stars in his eyes.
“Are you sure you want this?” Mark asks as he clumsily begins unbuckling the belt around Donghyuck’s pant loops. It’s hard for Donghyuck to tell if Mark is nervous.
“Yeah,” Donghyuck says as he leans in for another kiss. This kiss lingers just enough for Donghyuck to remember it now in his present. “As long as it’s you and no one else.”
Before Donghyuck knows it, Donghyuck sees Mark emerging from his bruised thighs and Donghyuck feels pleasure as Mark stretches him out. The rest becomes history as Donghyuck sneaks out of Mark’s apartment with messy hair and hickeys all over his neck poorly covered by his choice of wearing a turtleneck and slacks seeing that May didn’t guarantee warm weather.
Donghyuck’s more surprised by the fact that Mark doesn’t wake up from all the house décor he accidentally knocked over on the way—but the surprise quickly becomes replaced with regret that Wednesday should have never come, and he should have continued living in mundane Tuesdays.
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Donghyuck ends up calling in from his job using a sick day and a poorly typed email to his boss.
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The UBER drive back home is extremely awkward with the driver, Jackson telling Donghyuck that he shouldn’t hold it against himself that things went the way they did. Donghyuck thinks that Jackson should reconsider going back to school for family counseling seeing how he got Donghyuck to explain and understand his poor love life in less than 20 minutes.
“You’re doing great. I f*cked up too once. I liked this girl back in high school…”
Donghyuck simply hides his face in his hands in second-hand embarrassment. The only good thing about this Wednesday is that Jackson Wang the UBER driver is going to celebrate his daughter’s second birthday at the local park this Saturday and that he’s married to the girl of his dreams.
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He wonders if it’s possible to find the type of happiness that Jackson Wang the UBER driver has as he finds comfort on his old couch and the ION channel’s rerun of the original Law and Order SUV season. Stephanie March was hot on season 4 and maybe it makes Donghyuck consider being in love with a different ADA.
Preferably not an ADA he’s been stuck on for years.
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Donghyuck ends up setting his eyes on Raul Esparza.
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If Mark sends Donghyuck a text to check up on him, Donghyuck never sees or reads it to stay faithful to his new crush.
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It doesn’t work, no matter how hot Raul Esparza is. And f*ck, Raul Esparza is hot.
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But leave it to Jaemin to read Donghyuck’s texts when he’s in the bathroom, the only time his phone was left vulnerable to the prying eyes of a hawk.
(But the credit for this complete disaster goes to Renjun. It was Renjun’s idea to look through Donghyuck’s phone to figure out what was going on. Mark had texted Renjun to check up on Donghyuck, who then texted Jeno who then told Renjun to tell Jaemin to find out what made Mark reach out for help in the first place.)
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“You slept with Mark?” Jaemin asks Donghyuck, who only looks anywhere else.
The half-empty trash can near the kitchen looks fascinating. He likes how the teal color looks bright and cheerful in contrast to the gray color of his dining table. Oh, there’s— “When did this happen?” Jaemin interrupts Donghyuck’s poor excuse for procrastinating.
“Wednesday,” Donghyuck confirms, finally coming into a little more ease in his body and the cool-as-winter reality that he ran away from Mark. “We slept together on Wednesday.”
“Like you shared a bed and slept together? Or like—”
“Jaemin, I know what sex is,” Donghyuck interrupts his friend, who appears more frazzled than Donghyuck is by this sitcom level of predicament. Not that Jaemin hadn’t already been in a similar predicament with Jeno. The difference is that Jaemin is dating Jeno in his present. And Donghyuck’s stuck in the miserable heartbroken past reminiscing about the seashell necklace he accidentally left behind in Seoul without ever knowing where it ended up in between all the moving out boxes and trash.
“It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had sex,” Donghyuck continues his poor defense. "I’m not a virgin.”
It’s true. Donghyuck was far from being a virgin and he had a boyfriend while he was studying at Yonsei, not that it went anywhere besides sex and the occasional date along the Han River. Jung Jaehyun was a nice, cute guy even though didn’t want the relationship to go anywhere other than the cute Instagram post. Winter in Seoul made Donghyuck remember how cold adulting can be when there’s no one to find warmth in.
“But it’s Mark though,” Jaemin replies, looking at Donghyuck with all the understanding worry in the world. The look almost rips into the fabric of Donghyuck’s poorly woven heart even more, leaving pieces hanging by a bleeding thread. “Have you talked to him about it yet?”
Donghyuck sighs, the rational part of his brain knowing that Jaemin won’t stop asking until he uncovers the truth. The artistic side of his brain, the part that made him sink into this mess, doesn’t even bother pushing the truth farther than it should. “Not really. I just kind of figured I’d let it go. I did sneak out after it happened.”
“Why the hell would you do that? You’ve liked Mark for years. This is your chance.”
“Chance to do what? Be another fling for Mark? You don’t think he slept around when he was in Orange County?”
“Donghyuck, you don’t know that. What if Mark is ready to move on? You’re awfully cute. A well-paid accountant too. You’re a great catch. Look, you don’t even have any grey hairs yet.”
“Doubt it. Mark isn’t the type of person to f*ck around first and date. Don’t you remember how much he talked about he was in love with Mina? It was like a SBS kdrama.”
“Donghyuck, you don’t have SBS on cable.”
“I have Viki.”
“I need to get you off my account then,” Jaemin quickly retorts, trying to speak to the rational part of Donghyuck’s brain. Not that it works knowing that Donghyuck is more stubborn than a bull when his mind is stuck on something. That’s just how Donghyuck is. Stupid. And stubborn all at once. “But listen to me. Mark and Mina didn’t work out because it was like a kdrama romance. He’s the type of person to be loyal to the person he likes.”
“Well, that means that I have less of a chance then,” Donghyuck surmises. “I’m 30 in a week and I think I ruined my friendship with Mark. I just canceled my birthday party.”
“You should stop thinking so negatively about this. What if—”
But Donghyuck opens his mouth and gives up to his fatigued heart.
“Nothing. Nothing’s ever going to change about me and Mark.”
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There is one thing that Donghyuck leaves out when Jaemin comforts him about his poorly ended one-night stand. As he started knocking over Mark’s cologne bottles and a sad-looking tissue box, he heard metal touching the floor. Next to the fallen blue velvet box, is a single gold band.
That’s what made him run out of Mark’s apartment without looking back.
Donghyuck knows he wouldn’t want to deal with the reality of Mark getting back with Mina again.
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Whenever Mark got back with Mina after a big breakup, he always made big grand gestures. Mark called it his love language to give over-the-top gifts and Renjun called it his stupidity to give into the fallacy of believing in the power of first love.
(Renjun truly just wanted Mark to be happy and he never stopped insisting that Mark and Mina were wrong for each other. Had Mark not eloped, Renjun would have interceded when the priest asked if anyone had an objection.)
((If anyone had asked Renjun, he had a list of three objections he wanted to share with the world that day.))
The second time they broke up, Mark bought Mina a whole set of Lululemon wear that Donghyuck couldn’t possibly imagine the price of. And well the last time they broke up before getting entangled in a short-lived marriage, Mark bought Mina a wedding ring with the few savings he had. That’s just how Mark is. A fool in love, not that Donghyuck is the right person to judge in this situation.
(Renjun certainly believes so referring back to his list of objections.)
But that’s just how life is. Unfair in the way love is given and received.
With this knowledge, Donghyuck turns off his phone and lets himself fall asleep to the white noise of his Miniso fan.
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When Donghyuck moved back from Seoul, he cried the whole night before because, in the rummage of all his things, he lost the stupid seashell necklace Mark gave him.
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“What’s this?” Donghyuck raises an eyebrow while shaking his shoulders, looking through a nicely wrapped box Mark sent him through the mail. Donghyuck’s glad to have used a box cutter seeing how pretty the gold wrapping paper is. “I hope you didn’t accidentally ship me your textbooks.”
Mark’s been at UCI just shy of three months now, having left for Orange County an entire month before classes started. Donghyuck remembers how long it had taken for Mark to find a decent apartment near campus with how expensive every off-campus apartment was. Mark finally settled on subleasing an apartment to start while waiting out the housing waitlist.
And Donghyuck remembers how long it had taken for Mark to get himself together after his divorce. The first few weeks, Donghyuck walked into a dumpster seeing how the wallpaper had been torn and the carpets had been stained with cheap greasy takeout. And at the middling 12-week mark, Donghyuck had to wash Mark’s hair to make sure he didn’t get fired for poor hygiene.
Financially, Mark was almost left too poor to live in the Bay any longer. And with the draining hours at his firm as a paralegal with no room to grow, Mark’s self-confidence was at an all-time low even with Donghyuck chipping in with laundry and the weekly meal prep date every Sunday afternoon.
But Mark’s acceptance to UCI’s new law class makes him as bright as a star from what Donghyuck’s eyes can discern; it’s a brilliance that can’t be contained through the screen of Donghyuck’s laptop. Donghyuck’s glad he convinced Mark to go for it and see where his law school applications ended up.
“A present,” Mark cheerfully replies, waiting for Donghyuck to open his gift.
“It’s a college sweater,” Donghyuck frowns, thinking the gift was something better. He guesses that Mark sucks at giving gifts outside of romantic endeavors. “Is this the same one I got you when we celebrated your law school acceptance party? I’m like 100% sure it fits you.”
“Don’t worry I got you this at the bookstore when I stopped by last week,” Mark cheekily grins. “I got you an oversized fit just how you like it.”
“I can tell. It says UCI Law grandpa,” Donghyuck continues frowning while holding the sweater in his hands. He almost wants to laugh. Mark had just grandpa-zoned him.
“They didn’t have the one I wanted to get you,” Mark replies with earnest, although Donghyuck isn’t convinced by Mark’s statement. The last birthday they celebrated; Mark got Donghyuck another seashell. That seashell was a light pink color with red spots. “They won’t have it in stock until January.”
“They have UCI Law best friend sweaters at the bookstore?” Donghyuck raises an eyebrow at Mark in the hopes of getting a better response. “And here I thought it’s an Ivy League only thing to promote nepotism. Let me know when I can start applying.”
“Sure. I wouldn’t mind you coming down here,” Mark blushes crimson red before saying, “Just wear that sweater for now. I promise you I’m going to get you a better one when I move back home. The right one.” Mark emphasizes at the end.
Feeling bad, Donghyuck hurriedly slaps the sweater on. “Does it look good at least?”
“Yeah, you look great Hyuck,” Mark brightly beams and it’s just enough to make Donghyuck’s day better.
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Oh, all the stupid things love makes you do in the end.
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“I can’t believe you’re not going to celebrate your birthday,” Jaemin says as he sees Donghyuck lounging in his alumni sweatpants courtesy of Renjun’s graduation gift. “I get it. You’re all brittle bones, but it doesn’t mean that you got too boring about it. It’s your big 30 and you’re doing absolute sh*t.”
“It’s my birthday?” Donghyuck muses as he opens another beer can. Which is not the best of decisions Donghyuck could make. Not that turning 30 guarantees wisdom. “I get to decide how I want to celebrate it.”
“You only turn 30 once!” Jaemin keeps insisting. “You can at least dress up decently for your 30th birthday.”
“My parents are coming tomorrow morning,” Donghyuck curtly answers. “I’ll get all dressed up then.”
Jaemin breathes in before rebuking his dear friend, “Why are you so focused on hating yourself? Can’t you at least think positively about why Mark slept with you? You said it yourself. He doesn’t do one-night stands.”
Donghyuck rolls in his bed, languishing like a 14-year-old that just had their first relationship end. “Because I know he still loves Mina.”
“How would you know that Hyuck? How are you certain that Mark is still in love with a girl who dumped him before their wedding anniversary? They haven’t talked in over three years. The only person Mark kept up with after his divorce was you. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“He just wanted me to come over and help him go through an IKEA catalog,” Donghyuck replies, still languishing on his sofa much to Jaemin’s dismay. “He didn’t mean to sleep with me.”
“You’re telling me that Mark who got a 4.0 in undergrad couldn’t get out of his bed to buy any furniture for his apartment. The same Mark that worked over two years in the same law firm? The same Mark who’s now an ADA? That Mark? Do you think he just called you to look over basic-ass furniture catalogs? You’re telling me it’s an accident that he got his dick inside of you.”
“That’s what he said,” Donghyuck says referring to the furniture shopping spree, not having sex with Mark. That part gets left unanswered.
“If it weren’t your birthday, I’d punch you for how ridiculously stupid you’re being right now.”
Jaemin throws a box at Donghyuck.
“You should have opened this weeks ago. It would have saved you a lot of trouble.”
The box is a poorly wrapped birthday present that Mark gave him to get ahead of the game. The box is covered with white wrapping paper and a champagne-colored bow dresses its top.
“This is early,” Donghyuck notes as Mark gives him his birthday present. “It must be a good present if you’re giving me this a whole month before my birthday.”
“I hope so,” Mark says as he plays around with his tie. Donghyuck so badly wants to fix it but decides against it seeing Mark’s leg shake with nervousness. “I wouldn’t mind if you opened it early though.”
“Then what’s the point of it being present?” Donghyuck laughs. “I’d rather it stays a surprise then.”
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“Mark gave you a seashell?” Renjun says as he peers over Donghyuck’s shoulder. He looks extremely underwhelmed by Mark’s gift, almost as if he were the one insulted by Mark’s taste in gifts. “A f*cking seashell of all things?”
“Yeah,” Donghyuck says, almost agreeing with Renjun that what Mark brought Donghyuck was a bit lame in comparison to the souvenirs everyone else got. Renjun himself was given a cool water bottle that changed colors when the sun hit it and Jeno got a surfboard keychain that was quite well made despite it being a last-minute gift. Jaemin gets a shirt that has Santa Cruz in obnoxiously big letters.
“At least tell me that Mark had a good reason for giving you this…whatever this piece of sh*t is,” Renjun attempts to reason.
“He said it reminded him of me,” Donghyuck honestly answers.
“Well, Mark’s a rather stupid fool, isn’t he?” Renjun remarks. “He should at least make this a necklace. How can you use a f*cking seashell outside of your bathroom décor?”
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A fixation on his new Pinterest board, two YouTube tutorials, and one Amazon Prime order later, Renjun fixes Donghyuck’s gift into a simple necklace. He used the seashell as the centerpiece of a delicate gold-plated chain.
The necklace comes out decent enough for Mina to ask Mark for a similar gift.
(Now that he thinks about it, Donghyuck doesn’t remember if Mina ever got the necklace she asked Mark for.)
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And leave it to Jaemin to make Donghyuck confront his feelings regarding his relationship with Mark with a $500 gift card to GameStop.
(Donghyuck never bought Let’s Go Pikachu when it was originally released and it’s the last game he needs for that specific generation. He still prefers Let’s Go Eevee.)
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There had only ever been one-time Donghyuck and Mark ever got close to any sort of confrontation, and it had been after Donghyuck introduced his boyfriend at Yonsei University through Zoom. Jung Jaehyun was his name and at the time, Donghyuck liked his face enough to forget about his heartache for a bit. He reminded Donghyuck of the Pillsbury Dough Boy in a sexy way.
“I don’t like him,” Mark remarks. “Jaehyun right?”
“Well, I like him,” Donghyuck defends Jaehyun, who genuinely is a nice guy. Occasionally, Jaehyun would bring Donghyuck flowers. Cheesy, but sweet. And Jaehyun was a good texter. “Isn’t that what should matter?”
“I just think you could do better, that’s all,” Mark shrugs before changing the subject. He’s careful with his words, not wanting to escalate things. And Donghyuck feels the tension of what could be their first fight as friends.
“Truth of the matter is Mark, I’m just,” Donghyuck pauses before thinking about his frustration that Mark isn’t happy for him. Not that Mark owes him anything for Donghyuck’s heartbreak. “I’m just happy where I am now. Jaehyun makes me happy.”
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Donghyuck and Jaehyun break up two weeks after his phone call with Mark.
Calling out Mark’s name during sex is good reason enough to call things off.
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“Hey Donghyuck,” Mark says as opens the door of his apartment with the smallest of smiles. He’s not much taller than Donghyuck himself, only about an inch taller, but he has always been more defined and muscular than Donghyuck. Now, Mark looks all small and tired in his dress shirt and slacks.
“Hey.”
From what Donghyuck sees, nothing’s changed from his last visit, not that it’s been a long time since Donghyuck ran out before the prime walk of shame hours.
For someone who insisted that his apartment was empty and that he needed a lot of help furnishing it, Mark didn’t seem like in a rush to unpack all his IKEA boxes and figure out what he still needed. Or that’s what Donghyuck wants to say. He doesn’t see any boxes left to unpack and from what Donghyuck can tell now in the afternoon sunlight, Mark’s apartment is decently furnished despite an ADA’s busy schedule. There’s a picture of him and Mark on the living table smiling in their CAL gear, but Donghyuck can’t remember when they took it.
“Is it too late to wish you a happy birthday?” Mark innocently asks as he offers Donghyuck a glass of water. He takes a seat on the couch.
“I wouldn’t say so,” Donghyuck answers taking the glass in his hands, Mark joining him on the couch right after. “It’s only been a week. And with your job, I wouldn’t think you’d have the time of day.”
Mark gives Donghyuck an offended look on his face. It looks even more pained than before. It muddies Donghyuck’s mind for a bit and it almost makes him want to avoid this confrontation altogether.
“Of course, I’d find time for you. I even gave you your present early. You can ask Jaemin yourself.”
“You got me another college sweater,” is Donghyuck’s reply to Mark’s line of questioning, which sounds almost mundane compared to the years of an unrequited love quietly burning.
“Have you tried it on, yet?” Mark inquires, looking even more nervous than when he opened the door for Donghyuck moments ago. Strange considering that Mark appears quite comfortable presenting handmade gifts when he can’t even cook ramen without burning it.
“It fits,” Donghyuck answers, resulting in a short sense of relief in Mark’s expression. The relief only lasts seconds as Donghyuck wants more than the early birthday gift. It’s Donghyuck’s turn to alleviate his heartbreak. “But I’m not sure if the bookstore carries UCI Law Husband. You made this right?”
“Jaemin taught me how to sew,” Mark replies and a million thoughts race through Donghyuck’s mind at it. He looks at Mark shocked, which leads to Mark saying, “He’s a teacher and all the bulletin board making I guess makes him good at crafts.
“We aren’t talking about Jaemin here,” Donghyuck starts. “Is there any good reason why you made me a couple of sweaters for my birthday?”
When Donghyuck first opened Mark’s present, he originally thought it was a gag gift seeing how illy received the first college sweater. While Mark was kind, it didn’t erase the fact that he was terrible at giving gifts. But when Donghyuck looked closer at the lettering, he couldn’t believe what he had just read. He stays there silent for what seems like an eternity.
“I guess they do carry everything at the alumni store,” Jaemin confirms the lettering for Donghyuck with an impressed face.
“I do think he should have given you a ring though. I kept telling him to get you a ring for your birthday. f*cking…”
Donghyuck simply stares at Jaemin in disbelief as Jaemin continues rambling on and on about how Mark can’t take a hint to save his life.
“Mark got you a ring, didn’t he?” Jaemin says in between his ranting sessions.
“If you’re confused that means it’s a no, right?” Mark says with a sad smile as his shoulders slump. It’s a poor response by Donghyuck’s standards and it doesn’t even come close to properly addressing the key question. “You can just pretend that—”
Donghyuck throws the sweater at Mark’s face, who only looks at Donghyuck back with dumbfounded shock in his face.
“I obviously can’t wear it if we aren’t married yet,” Donghyuck huffs, mad that Jaemin knew that Mark made him this sweater for his birthday. But Donghyuck is even more furious at the fact that Mark doesn’t even have the decency to explain himself better.
And after all these years, the words that come of out Donghyuck’s mouth to confront his feelings are: “I didn’t even know you remembered our promise.”
In his dreams, Donghyuck imagined his confession to Mark would go differently, not that he expected a rose bouquet to land in his hands like any other teen rom-com. At the very least, Donghyuck didn’t expect to be on the very verge of breaking down in the middle of Mark’s living room. Which of course better than breaking down in front of Aldi, which had been the original meeting spot. Donghyuck needed strawberries for the week and even more, he wanted a neutral ground to defend his heart from rejection.
“Of course, I remembered that you wanted us to get married on your birthday. Why else would I have come back all the way here, with you?” Mark explains, all red in the face. If Donghyuck truly believed, it was a shade darker than when he talked about Mina. “I got plenty of offers in private law back in Irvine, but I turned them all down to see you again. I wanted to see if you still wanted to make things work between us.”
Oh, that makes sense, Donghyuck thinks.
Wait.
Oh.
“How the hell am I supposed to know that then?” Donghyuck snaps out of shock, still mad at Mark for not fully explaining everything until now that tears are threatening to pour out. “It’s kind of hard to tell that you even like me. You never even mentioned the promise when you moved back from Irvine.”
“Well, I’m really stupid for missing out on someone as good as you have been to me all this time,” Mark hurriedly says. “I love you Donghyuck. Believe me, I do love you.”
“Mark,” Donghyuck starts before he feels hot tears staining his face. “You got married to Mina before I even had a chance to tell you I liked you back then. You broke my f*cking heart, Mark Lee. How am I supposed to believe you love me now?”
Mark’s eyes sadly soften from the realization that Donghyuck could have never known his love was reciprocated. His view of the world he shared with Mark was shaped by the knowledge that Mark had always been in love with Mina, to the point of always going back to her when things went wrong. This worldview never allows the possibility of Mark being in love with Donghyuck until Mark comes closer and holds onto Donghyuck tight. Mark smells like washing powder and cheap cologne in the poorly fitted dress shirt Donghyuck mentioned he hated weeks ago.
“How do even fix this? Us?”
“Well, you can start by kissing me first,” Donghyuck says with a light blush on his face.
His heart flutters when Mark leans in and whispers,
“You have no idea how much I’ll make you know that I love you now and tomorrow too.”
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“I’ve missed you,” Donghyuck quickly slurs in between his languid footsteps, hugging Mark who tries to make sure he doesn’t trip on his sneakers. A drunk Donghyuck is a clingy Donghyuck. Adorable even by Jaemin’s account. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“Well, I’m here to stay,” Mark tries to console Donghyuck while giving Jaemin a look of “help me.”
" Not my job,” Jaemin laughs at Mark’s poor attempt to carry Donghyuck back to the safety of his Subaru Cross Trek. For a guy who makes poor decisions regarding his love life, Donghyuck was a rather reasonable guy when it came to choosing cars. “It’s your shot to be Tuxedo Mask to Donghyuck’s Sailor Moon.”
Mark looks at him with a blank face.
“You don’t know what Sailor Moon is? Look, in Jujutsu Kaisen terms, it’s your shot to be the Nanami to Donghyuck’s Gojo.”
Mark groans at Jaemin’s comment, but he continues to help Donghyuck get home. They’re lucky that Donghyuck doesn’t leave very far from the pub they held Mark’s welcome back home party in. But they’re also unlucky in the sense that Donghyuck left his keys in Jaemin’s apartment. There’s a long trip ahead of them before making sure that Donghyuck doesn’t fall on his head or choke on his vomit.
Donghyuck giggles before blabbering, “I’m going to get married.”
“You have a boyfriend?” Mark looks at Jaemin with a look of pained disbelief.
“Don’t look at me like an idiot. He means you.” Jaemin huffs, helping Mark out with Donghyuck. Jaemin finds it difficult to believe that despite every stupid thing that Donghyuck had done for Mark, Mark never noticed that Donghyuck looked at him with star-filled eyes. “Didn’t you come back to put a ring on him? You said if you were both 30 and still single, you’d marry him.”
“I doubt Donghyuck even remembers our promise,” Mark replies as his shoulders slump with Donghyuck’s weight on his back. “It was just a silly comment he made to make me feel better about breaking up with Mina.”
Again, Jaemin sighs defeated with Mark’s impression that Donghyuck can’t possibly be in love with him. Perhaps he should have joined Renjun in the grand idea of building Donghyuck a robot boyfriend to get over Mark?
“Do you think Donghyuck wants to go through with marrying me just because of a stupid drunk promise we made back in college?” Mark continues, bringing Jaemin back to their almost pointless conversation. It’s an almost.
“Well, you weren’t too keen on keeping your promise from the beginning either. You were the one who went off and eloped and broke Donghyuck’s heart.” Jaemin snaps to rub salt in Mark’s wound. “Why did you even marry Mina if you weren’t in love with her?”
“I…I thought I was in love with her back then,” Mark weakly starts, thinking back to the time he still wore a wedding band on his ring finger. He laughs at how much better it looks now without it on. “What’s funny is that we divorced because she said I was in love with Donghyuck more than I was in love with her.”
Jaemin doesn’t speak for a moment, thinking that there are no words he can offer a man who’s starting all over again. Had Mark not been so stupid back then, he would have realized that who he loved was Donghyuck when they were still at CAL and that Donghyuck’s drunk promises of marriage were a failed attempt at sharing the same romantic sentiment. Then and now.
Again, Mark is close to making the same f*cking stupid mistake of letting Donghyuck go again without even trying to allow his heart to learn what love can provide.
But when seconds pass, Jaemin finds it within himself to believe that perhaps this is the only opportunity he will ever have to speak on Donghyuck’s behalf.
Poor Donghyuck that’s made the worst mistake of all:
Falling in love with a fool named Mark Lee. And never learning how to let that love go.
“So, you’re here to propose to Donghyuck on his birthday?” Jaemin asserts, almost taking back the words he just told Mark. It’s not almost this time. “I hope you know Renjun would kill you if you break Donghyuck’s heart again. I wouldn’t report it.”
As Donghyuck’s best friend, he always has Donghyuck’s best interests at heart, which means the possibility of experiencing true love. And deep down inside, Jaemin knows that Mina was never good for Mark. Every breakup was followed by the largest forms of public humiliation despite every insistence that Mark could do better—better for himself and Mina’s sake too. To live in the shadow of love is a difficult experience to endure. But there was no point in fixing a relationship that should have never existed.
This proposal is also Mark’s chance to experience true love.
“I already asked for Renjun’s permission,” Mark admits, which only affirms this once-in-a-lifetime chance coming true. “It took a lot of work, but I have his blessing.”
New beginnings come with a smile painted on Jaemin’s face. “You’re more romantic than a Nicholas Sparks movie.”
Mark blushes. “Do you think he’d say yes?”
Jaemin laughs at Mark’s question. It’s sincere this time. “Ask him then, not me. I’d think you’d be pleasantly surprised by his answer.”
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(In Olive Garden where young teenagers dress up in their finest t-shirts and clean dark-rise jeans, there’s first love overflowing in each dusty corner underneath the artificial warm yellow light.)
Donghyuck Lee celebrates his 31st birthday with a simple gold band on his left hand.
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Renjun’s Three Objections:
- Donghyuck loves Mark.
- Getting married straight out of university is a terrible idea.
- Mark loves Donghyuck.
